Tag Archives: attack

I’m a real blogger!

Well, friends. The day has arrived. They say you’re not truly a blogger until you receive an oddly personal attack post from a total stranger. I guess I’m all grown up now, because “Kristin Adams” has taken me to school.

Since Kristin’s carefully constructed comments were recently attached to an old post, I thought I’d just serve them up to you here. I know she’d be thankful that I’ve increased her readership.

“In case you weren’t aware, readers don’t give a shit about how privileged you feel in your personal life, or any of your self-entitled drivel. Consider yourself boring. If you want to write a self-adoration blog, call it something else so you don’t waste people’s time with this dreck. That way, serious foodies can read actual reviews, and your acolytes/disciples/minions/subjects can taste your day-to-day jackoffs. I’m sure you’re so important they clamor to lick it up. You’re sure that people are fascinated with you just because you are you, whoever you are, and can’t wait to know the minutiae of your life and how taken with yourself you are. I’m sure you’re spellbinding. But tell us all in a forum not disguised as a blog about food. You’re transparent. And if you’re taken with yourself and your life, tell your friends. Maybe they care. I don’t know if you know this, but you’re not interesting. Pathetically, you probably think people applaud your every utterance. Jackass.”

Kristin, love, I’ve got a few handy pointers to make your food/web reading experience more pleasurable. First, if you’re on a site you don’t like, try clicking elsewhere. I swear, it works like a charm, every time.

Second, I implore you, never EVER read anything by Ruth Reichl. Her endearingly personal style includes all kinds of self-absorbed references to her husband, her kid, and her friends. (Who knows how she made it at the New York Times, or why a magazine like Gourmet would hire her as an editor?) Seriously, Kristin. You’ll find her work deeply offensive. May I suggest something written by robots instead? Our shiny metal friends are far more objective. They never get the funny notion that food, love, and life are all tied up in one big, tangled, beautiful knot

And third, if you’re going to go to such lengths to lambast me (on a Saturday night, no less), just come out and admit it: You’ve got a crush on me. It’s okay. I won’t tell your boyfriend.

p.s. Acolytes? Really? Kudos on the 50 cent word. I actually had to look that one up.

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