I’m a real blogger!

Well, friends. The day has arrived. They say you’re not truly a blogger until you receive an oddly personal attack post from a total stranger. I guess I’m all grown up now, because “Kristin Adams” has taken me to school.

Since Kristin’s carefully constructed comments were recently attached to an old post, I thought I’d just serve them up to you here. I know she’d be thankful that I’ve increased her readership.

“In case you weren’t aware, readers don’t give a shit about how privileged you feel in your personal life, or any of your self-entitled drivel. Consider yourself boring. If you want to write a self-adoration blog, call it something else so you don’t waste people’s time with this dreck. That way, serious foodies can read actual reviews, and your acolytes/disciples/minions/subjects can taste your day-to-day jackoffs. I’m sure you’re so important they clamor to lick it up. You’re sure that people are fascinated with you just because you are you, whoever you are, and can’t wait to know the minutiae of your life and how taken with yourself you are. I’m sure you’re spellbinding. But tell us all in a forum not disguised as a blog about food. You’re transparent. And if you’re taken with yourself and your life, tell your friends. Maybe they care. I don’t know if you know this, but you’re not interesting. Pathetically, you probably think people applaud your every utterance. Jackass.”

Kristin, love, I’ve got a few handy pointers to make your food/web reading experience more pleasurable. First, if you’re on a site you don’t like, try clicking elsewhere. I swear, it works like a charm, every time.

Second, I implore you, never EVER read anything by Ruth Reichl. Her endearingly personal style includes all kinds of self-absorbed references to her husband, her kid, and her friends. (Who knows how she made it at the New York Times, or why a magazine like Gourmet would hire her as an editor?) Seriously, Kristin. You’ll find her work deeply offensive. May I suggest something written by robots instead? Our shiny metal friends are far more objective. They never get the funny notion that food, love, and life are all tied up in one big, tangled, beautiful knot

And third, if you’re going to go to such lengths to lambast me (on a Saturday night, no less), just come out and admit it: You’ve got a crush on me. It’s okay. I won’t tell your boyfriend.

p.s. Acolytes? Really? Kudos on the 50 cent word. I actually had to look that one up.

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11 Comments

Filed under Rants, Uncategorized

11 responses to “I’m a real blogger!

  1. Doug

    hahaha – ah snarky readers, got to love ’em

  2. Julie

    I did want to add another little note for Kristin. Since she might not have any friends, she may not have considered that, in fact, you have many friends. And as one of your many friends, I do find you spellbinding and enjoy reading the details of your life. However, I am less inclined to “taste your day-to-day jackoffs.” They’re so gosh-darn filling, I can taste your jackoffs only a couple times a week.

  3. michaelprocopio

    Aloha again,

    I got a Facebook-y message from a fellow blogger who has been frustrated by the fact that WordPress has refused to let her comment on this post for some odd reason.

    I have agreed to forward you the message because she had the good sense to flatter me, too:

    “I don’t know you personally, but I enjoy reading your words. I think you’re witty and interesting.

    What can you say about someone like Kristin? Probably venting your spleen on a stranger’s blog like that is an indication of a deep-seated self-loathing that is projected outwards onto innocent people. I don’t know why people can’t be more creative than that. Being destructive is so useless.

    You, Ms. Real Blogger: keep up the good work. Old saying, “The dogs bark, and the caravan moves on.” Just ignore the little bitches. (I think you should copy and paste Michael Procopio’s hilarious comment into this post of yours.)

    Tana

    (I’m omitting a link to my website lest the talent-free Ms. K. come by and leave a little bag of her dogdoo on my doorstep.)”

  4. Thanks again, Michal. And thanks, Tana! Weird that WordPress is blocking the post. Sorry about that.

  5. Goodness gracious. She certainly has her panties in a bunch. You must have committed some horrendous faux pas the likes of which have never been seen before. And she certainly knows her way around a thesaurus….all of those 2 and 3 syllable words! But I must admit if she calls you an acolyte, then you MUST be doing something RIGHT. Purely for my own personal enjoyment, resume doing whatever it was that royally pissed her off. Perhaps it will serve as fresh fodder for her next deluge of doggie doo.

  6. bummer! the comment is really all about her.

  7. Pingback: Well, hello there. « A Few Reservations

  8. Somehow i missed the point. Probably lost in translation 🙂 Anyway … nice blog to visit.

    cheers, Ketone

  9. Huzzah! You have arrived. Big smooch. Sean of Hedonia sent me to this post when I twittered one of my blog e-mails this morning.

    Lovely response. I am lapping up every word. Hmmm. Does that make me one of your minions?

  10. I love when others post comments for me, so I don’t feel so crappy about being such a comment flake. 🙂

  11. Actually, given that rant of hers, I am applauding you already.

    I love feeling priviledged, and any other self-entitlement is sure to be a plasure to read.
    It’s what hedonism and good food is about, after all – and I LOVE good food. And vegetables 🙂

    In fact, I may have to link you, just because 🙂

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